I give up?

Psalm 31:3

Since You are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

So I have been struggling with A LOT lately.

From self-esteem, to education and job stuff, to my separated parents....and pretty much EVERYTHING in between.

I don't know where I'm going in life. I despise school. Why sit in a classroom full of teachings you DON'T care about and pay thousands of dollars for when you don't need it in your career. 

Ew..that word. Career.

I have a passion for music. I love singing and playing instruments. I may not be great but I love it. I LOVE promotions. Helping deserving artists get noticed and spreading GREAT music around is what I love doing. I love helping others. So I thought "Recording Arts" sounds good...right? How about business management?

Another thing I wanna do..Go to Africa. There is a war going on over there where children are getting kidnapped and forced to stand on the front lines. Parents are getting killed and leaving children orphaned....cities being destroyed. I want to clean up and rebuild homes, I want to find clean water, I want to shine a light on the natives and show them there is so much better.

I want to give shoes to those who need them. Do you know how bad we take shoes for granted? Try walking down your street barefoot...you won't like it very much...I doubt these people do either...

So what now? 

I have noticed that I have been trying to pilot my own life..What do I want to do next? What do I think would be best for me? What can I do to make me happy? 

I have noticed that I have been letting my parents get to me. My dad seems to think that I have to have a full time job since I don't go to school..Cuz money is all thats important right? How about a job that I'm going to love going to...A job isn't work if I enjoy going...

Thats why I'm not figuring out the answers to ANY of those questions.

God, Take the wheel....I can't do this on my own. You know what I'm supposed to do next and I want to listen. I want to open my eyes, ears and heart and I'm ready for YOU to show me what's next...what I'm supposed to do. You know. I don't yet and I'm giving up doing this on my own.

God knows what is best for us. He know's all. I've been falling away and thats why all I can focus on is my disfunctional family and my poor self esteem..and how I feel like life is leaving me behind...God will show me what's next...I just need to listen. Satan is clouding my mind with this HORRIBLE thoughts...telling me I can do this on my own.

I've been tired of being in second place for everything. To the pretty girls...to the talented people..the wealthy people...to everything. I'm not winning.

There is a reason for that. When I finally start listening...I will win...what I'm supposed to win.

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